day 9.

act of self-love: start grad school

making the decision to apply to graduate school was huge for me. i had a lot of mixed feelings about it. on one hand, i knew i had to do it in order to keep my teaching certification current, but i also had so much fear and anxiety about the process. and weird guilt about being able to go to grad school in the first place. and also, academia kind of just freaks me out. i didn’t know if i was smart enough to get in. to do it. to do it well.

as the first person in my immediate family to graduate from a 4-year university (it took me 8+ years to get my undergraduate degree), i have felt pressure to continue with higher education. i’ve always been the “smart one,” the mostly A student, the teacher. but so much self-doubt came up around this process, and for awhile there i was terrified about what to do.

i have felt pretty stuck for over a year now. i can’t find a job teaching art to save my life. it has felt like this heart-breaking letting go of my dreams.  i’m lucky enough to have a job at all, and i’m fortunate to work as an aide in a school with some really incredible young people. but i just knew that it wasn’t enough.

so i did it. i applied to grad school. to this program that would allow me to shift my career a bit, while still remaining a teacher. and i got in.

and today was my first day of class.

i loved it. i’m so excited about what i’ll be learning and what this program could mean for my future. i think it’s going to be a lot of work, and, not going to lie, i’m definitely still nervous. but i feel really good about doing this for myself. i just have to keep telling myself, “you can do it.” repeat it over and over. because i can.


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