day 60. leap day.

So, a couple weeks into January I realized that 2012 is a leap year. Which means that technically, this project should be called 366 days of self-care, but I like the way 365 sounds better so I decided not to change it. It does mean that I have one more day to get this right, and I’m ok with that.

Epic Wednesday self-care for the last day of February:

• counseling
• acupuncture
• garden prepping
• and I bought myself a bouquet of my favorite flowers, pink ranunculus:

Working on setting new goals and intentions for March. More to come.

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How to Love Project.

Love after Love  -by Derek Walcott

The time will come

When, with elation

You will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other’s welcome

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

——————————————————–

I haven’t had a poem resonate this hard with me in a long time. It encapsulates my goals/hopes/dreams with this project (and where I’m currently at in my life) perfectly.

Thank you to Wesley Flash and his How to Love Project. The project is wrapping up now at the end of February, and I have so enjoyed reading through it and gathering information to inform my own love process. I struggled with filling out his survey, but I finally did it after midnight last night. I wanted to be a part of the project, even though my own feelings around love and being in love are complicated and raw right now, still. I’m glad I contributed and doing it helped me heal it all a little more. And I agree with Wesley when he writes:

love makes all of us do/feel/and say stupid shit, but it doesnt matter because, to us, in those sacred moments, love conquers all. we all want to believe this and many of us always do and for most of us, at some point in our lives, love is all we’ve needed to make it through the night. which is what makes the loss of it so tragic, terrifying, and real.

And also for me, love and loving myself is also about learning how to mourn. And how to get back to knowing myself by heart.

day 59.

These arrived today:

The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn’t) both by Brene Brown, whose TED talk on vulnerability that I posted here awhile ago changed my life. Thanks to my friend Kernan for the book suggestions! I love a self-help book, and I can’t wait to get into both of these. It may have to wait until spring break unfortunately, but I did read the introduction to one of them and I’m totally excited about it.

Can’t believe February is basically over! Whoa.

day 58.

self-care at the grocery store.

I bought the weirdest, most delicious mix of things:

• flank steak from the deli
• spinach mac and cheese
• coconut ginger tapioca pudding
• butter chicken and chicken vindaloo wraps for lunches this week
• half and half for my morning coffee
• pre-made fancy juices full of vitamin C
• a kalamata olive sourdough roll
• a chicken bahn mi sammy for my dinner

I probably shouldn’t go shopping after a full day of class and school, but it was necessary. Feeding myself well and cooking the food I want to be cooking is proving to be a bit difficult during my work week, so splurging on pre-made yumminess is sometimes what I have to do to stay sane.

And when I got home I made hot berry compote to spoon over vanilla ice cream. So good. So worth the sugar rush.

day 57.

Today was about setting summer garden intentions with two lovely friends.

Today was about pickling chard and kale stems for the first time (new pickle obsession).

Today was about finally starting that sourdough starter.

Today was about loving myself through the food I make and hope to cultivate.

day 56.

More back-to-basics self-care.

Today I spent a few hours cleaning my room instead of going to skating practice. In trying to balance work, school, and having a semblance of a social life, I have let things go a bit in my personal space. As someone who likes organization and order, the state of my room has been producing some anxiety for awhile now. I need my room to be a place that I can retreat to, that I can feel productive in, and when it gets as messy as it has been, I lose it.

So today, I tackled it. A few weeks ago I started cleaning out my closet with a friend, and today I finished the task. I have bags of stuff to take to fat fancy and to a rummage sale we’re having at my school. It feels so good to look over and see my things again. Instead of buried in piles and papers. I still have a small bit to finish up tomorrow, plus laundry to put away, but overall I’m so happy that I took the time today to tackle my room.

I need to remember that cleaning my room and taking care of essential tasks is just as valid as buying myself treats or going out to eat. It’s the kind of self-care that keeps me grounded, keeps me sane, keeps me moving forward and motivated. It opens me up for more elaborate ways of taking care of myself. And I’m all about that.

day 55.

Loving my body today.

Even if I’m still on the edge of sick.

And my toes cramped up and my shin was killing me.

I still laced up my skates, turned left, and with each stride felt lighter yet still, more grounded.

Getting into my body and getting out of my head.

If only for two hours. Enough.

day 54.

self-care: back to basics edition

Today I just focused on getting through. I’m on the edge of burn out (and sickness) and I’m trying to combat it the best I can. Really, I just need to get to the weekend.

Today was: nap after work, drinking lots of water, taking my meds, finishing a school assignment early, some hand sewing for repetitive motion and mind clearing, sending an exciting email that could bring some fun new possibilities into my life, and burning some palo santo before bed.

My intentions for the next few days: prioritizing the important stuff, making time to relax and enjoy the moment, and getting shit done. Make it happen.

day 53.

Wednesdays. Quickly shaping up to be my favorite days. My “me” days.

Today was acupuncture. I couldn’t quite to my magic place, but it was still a nice solid hour of rest.

Also homework and friend time. And palo santo before bed.

I feel like I’m on the edge of getting sick, and I’m worried as I’m entering crunch time for the quarter at school. Really I think it’s just the lack of sleep. I don’t like feeling burnt out and stretched too thin. That’s where I’m at right now and I think I need to work more on prioritizing. These next few weeks really need to be about finishing the quarter while also making time for me. We’ll see how I do.

day 52.

Today’s self-care: going to this show:

I saw Grimes, for the second time. She is so so good. Also one of the opening bands, Born Gold, was pretty out of this world. Their set was wild and theatrical and like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I loved how music tech geeky it was, in this really earnest, endearing way. I’m not really explaining it well, but they are definitely worth seeing live, just for the spectacle of it all.

I love that I’ve had the chance to see more live music recently. It’s definitely good for me.