day 273.

Some nights it’s the full moon in aries and all you can do is feel all the feelings. Noted.

A place I like for getting info on the new moon/full moon each month is turning wheel astrology. Check it out!

VOLUP2.3

The new Vol.Up.2 issue is out and it is beautiful, like always.

And, this little blog is featured on page 388!! I’m so excited to be a part of a project I love so much. Vol.Up.2 is inspiring, gorgeous, and fierce as hell. Velvet d’Amour does an incredible job making this magazine a reality. I regularly look at the issues for inspiration, body love, and just to see fat babes loving who they are. Definitely a source of self-care.

Check it out!

day 227.

Late night/early morning tarot reading.

It had been awhile:

the artist of bones, the seeker of bones, the apprentice of bones.

I rarely pull the bones suit, even though it is secretly my favorite. It is the earth suit, and I clearly identify with it as a through and through Capricorn (in many ways, anyway). What I got from this reading (excerpted from the Collective Tarot card descriptions):

The artist of bones: nurture yourself in just the way that you need (and deserve) to be nurtured. This card is about health, place, groundedness and self-love…We need to feel love for our bodies; we need to feel at home. You are at a point now where you have learned what it is that you desire in order to feel safe, happy and whole.

The seeker of bones: She comes when we are in the midst of a new dream. She is playful and resourceful. She is observant and can “zero in” her sights on what is directly in front of her. she is you. If you pull this card in a reading it is an indication of a quest, a search for something, a need that may just be coming in to your consciousness, or something you have always known you wanted. You are in the process of embarking on that quest. Enjoy the thrill of the search!

The apprentice of bones: If you draw this card, it is likely that you too have started on a course of study in a specific area of interest, or that you crave such an experience…it is likely that life is pointing you in the direction of the educational experience that will most suit you. It may be your life’s work. You must remember your internal strength, intelligence, and core worth. Be discriminating. Take responsibility for your education.

Have I mentioned how much I love the Collective Tarot? They just launched the 3rd printing of the deck, and I highly recommend you treat yourself to one. One of the best self-care decisions I ever made, as I am frequently turning to it for guidance and reflection.

day 80.

Today I treated myself to Pina in 3D for finishing my first quarter of grad school. I love dance so much, and I just loved every minute of this film. It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. A true experience, especially in 3D. Go see it.

self-care ideas.

Finally got around to posting this, almost 2.5 months into the project.

An epic list, for reference:

• go for a walk
• take a bath
• sing
• dance in my room, naked if possible
• listen to music
• listen to shake it off
• go dancing
• give myself a manicure/pedicure
• take myself out and get a manicure/pedicure
• read for pleasure
• call a friend
• watch something funny on netflix or youtube
• visit a friend
• move your body
• exercise
• go skating
• do yoga
• stretch
• swing on the swings
• get massage
• get acupuncture
• get out of the house
• nap
• sleep in
• eat chocolate
• cook a meal just for myself
• cook a meal for friends
• cook with friends
• eat ice cream
• eat olives, bread, and cheese (call amithyst to do this with you)
• eat pickled things
• make pickled things
• call your gramma
• cook a recipe I’ve never tried before
• go out to eat, especially thai, sushi, vietnamese, or lebanese
• share food with someone
• play with Biscuit, the tiny dog
• pet a cat
• spend time with the chickens
• look at funny blogs such as: damn you, auto correct, when parents text, animals talking in all caps, etc.
• watch animal videos online
• watch an animal/nature documentary
• watch any documentary
• watch a children’s movie
• watch the how to be alone video, again
• watch the power of vulnerability video, again
• watch inflate my heart with 1000 gushes of wind, again
• watch dance movies, any and all, the cheesier the better
• bake cookies
• just bake in general
• take myself to the movies
• go to the soaking pool
• go swimming
• do water aerobics
• drive to nature
• walk in the woods
• put my hands in the earth
• go to the dog park
• go to the coast
• go to the river
• play a game with a friend(s), cards, yahtzee, etc.
• play a video game
• buy cheap jewelry at forever 21
• buy a hot outfit
• do some internet dream shopping
• do some actual internet shopping
• have a photo shoot
• get a haircut
• make something with my hands: collage, embroider, knit, crochet, sew
• make art
• look at art
• sew my own clothes
• go thrifting
• go to brunch
• go to a flea market
• learn a new skill
• color a picture
• go to a spa
• go to a bookstore
• buy a book
• buy a piece of art
• go to the tea house
• go to a coffee shop
• clean my room
• clean my bathroom
• clean out my closet
• change my sheets
• burn some palo santo
• go to fat fancy
• go to the nickel arcade
• play pinball
• visit a museum
• visit an art gallery
• meditate
• take pictures
• garden
• read poetry
• read a magazine
• do some impromptu art
• write letters
• write things down that you like about yourself
• write a love letter to your body
• journal
• draw
• jerk off
• have sex
• buy new sex toys
• take myself on a hot date
• buy new shoes
• make a list of things i’d like to do before you die
• write a letter to someone who has made my life better and tell them why
• buy myself flowers
• order dinner in
• say no
• turn off the computer for a set amount of time
• turn off my phone for a set amount of time
• people watch
• have a harry potter movie marathon
• have a lord of the rings movie marathon
• take a mental health day from work
• have energy work done
• read about astrology
• do a tarot reading
• tell myself “i love you”
• go window shopping
• have a game night
• spend the day exploring portland, go places i don’t normally go
• do absolutely nothing
• wear something that makes me feel beautiful and confident
• get a makeover at MAC
• buy make-up
• do a face mask/facial
• have a pajama day
• take a spontaneous trip
• let go of belongings i no longer love or use
• lay in the grass and watch the clouds
• set intentions
• take deep breaths
• make wishes
• go on a picnic
• practice forgiveness
• have an adventure day
• hug someone
• go stargazing
• watch the sunset/sunrise
• give compliments
• give compliments to myself
• rinse, repeat

What do you do for self-care?

How to Love Project.

Love after Love  -by Derek Walcott

The time will come

When, with elation

You will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other’s welcome

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

——————————————————–

I haven’t had a poem resonate this hard with me in a long time. It encapsulates my goals/hopes/dreams with this project (and where I’m currently at in my life) perfectly.

Thank you to Wesley Flash and his How to Love Project. The project is wrapping up now at the end of February, and I have so enjoyed reading through it and gathering information to inform my own love process. I struggled with filling out his survey, but I finally did it after midnight last night. I wanted to be a part of the project, even though my own feelings around love and being in love are complicated and raw right now, still. I’m glad I contributed and doing it helped me heal it all a little more. And I agree with Wesley when he writes:

love makes all of us do/feel/and say stupid shit, but it doesnt matter because, to us, in those sacred moments, love conquers all. we all want to believe this and many of us always do and for most of us, at some point in our lives, love is all we’ve needed to make it through the night. which is what makes the loss of it so tragic, terrifying, and real.

And also for me, love and loving myself is also about learning how to mourn. And how to get back to knowing myself by heart.

my favorite astrology blog.

Virgo Magic.

Looking into astrology is a newer thing for me. Maybe it’s living in Portland, maybe it’s just really finding some insight in what I’ve been reading and going through, maybe it’s my Saturn Return. Who knows. What I do know is that I really love reading this blog and giving some greater context to what I’m dealing with at an acute level.

Emily Trinkaus, the author, writing on the upcoming new moon in Pisces and hitting it home for me again and again:

Stepping into the ocean of grief takes courage — there can be a fear that if we really dive into it, we might drown. Traditional cultures typically provide containers for grieving through ritual space, but in Western culture, grieving is not honored as an essential process for the health of individuals and the community. In fact, pharmaceuticals are now routinely prescribed to “treat” grief, as if grieving were a disorder rather than an appropriate, necessary response to loss…

Every New Moon calls us inward. The night sky is bereft of moonlight, vitality is low, and we’re in that limbo space between the end of one cycle and the beginning of the next. The Pisces New Moon, Tuesday at 2:35pm PST, especially wants us to turn down the volume on outer-world activity and mental distractions, and tune into the realm of feelings. Create a safe space for yourself to feel whatever feelings you’ve been avoiding or repressing, and trust that if you go all the way through, you will come out the other side, cleansed and renewed.

I feel like I’ve been processing a lot of grief over the past few months, and for the first time in my life really giving it the space it needs.

Tomorrow, on the new moon, I plan on continuing this work and taking her words to heart.